Ladies and gents this week was one wild ride at the Millionaires Club. Destin and I decided we were gluttons for punishment and so we brought in Frank a millionaire plastic surgeon from Las Vegas who looked like Lou Ferrigno’s-hair-plug-wearing–chalk-white-teeth-bearing cousin. Frank’s problem: control freak to the max. I wonder if he doesn’t get his way does he turn green too?
Next up we had a real floozy, I mean doozey, with Brit childhood actress Emma Ridley. Emma looked like the epitome of when bad girls go rotten. She was like a BBC poor man’s version of Girls Gone Wild, the washed up edition. Talk about a case study, good grief. Emma’s list of issues are as long as her straw hair extensions. Let’s see, she was once big in the UK, enjoyed partying a bit too much, got knocked up and hitched at the ripe old age of 13, partied some more, got divorced, partied, got married, he lit the house on fire along with her weave, partied more, had more kids, partied, and now teaches pole dancing in the Valley. I think that about covers it. Boy isn’t our job glamorous?
With Hulk Jr. and Pole Waxer, I mean, Dancer (boy I have to stop doing that), we decided to do the two-way mirror and let them pick their poison. Emma and Frank actually chose two great dater, but it would remain to be seen if they actually listened to us.
Frank decided it was a grand idea to wake his poor date up at the crack of dawn, because, you know, everyone is a morning person right? Keep dreaming Frank-n-Furter. Then he thought hey, girls love boxing and even better to step in the ring and box! Delusional, party of one? Yep good times, a 5 am wakeup call and then a boxing match where you and a female Ortiz go mano y mano.
Emma, decided to surprise her date with an all girl revue strip dance extravaganza, complete with fog and pole cam. It was like out of a bad 1980s hair band video. I really felt bad for her date. She went from sassy to classy to trashy all in the blink of an eyelet on her corset. Then at dinner things went from bad to worse.
It’s really no wonder we were batting zero this week, when you try to tame the wild beast it just doesn’t always work. Dr. Frankenstein, time to create a lady friend who you can control. I mean ya have the plastic for it! Emma, you just keep climbing those brass poles! I bid you adieu.