If you are not familiar with Hieronymus Lorm, allow us to elaborate: He is a famous Austrian poet who was both deaf and blind. In other words, he would be exactly one out of one people to buy the idea of Scarlett Johansson playing Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, as was the case on Saturday Night Live this weekend.

It was almost as though Scarlett had never seen, much less heard, our beloved Patti, given her impression. Don’t get me wrong: I adore Patti and am terrified of her. I even met her months ago, during a segment on HLN’s The Joy Behar Show, and I can assure you I have never been as groomed head to toe in my entire life as the day I met her. She can shred an average human being into a pile of curly-haired badly attired pity.

On the other hand, give me a f**king break, Scarjo murdered her impression. Way too pretty and sounded nothing like her. Frankly, it’s unfair to Patti. But this sketch had to happen for the impression of her assistants alone.

I can’t wait until I make it big enough to have Sofia Vergara mock me on national television. May I see the day.