Welcome, welcome, welcome, ‘Gasmii? Have you done all your Thanksgiving prep for the year? Are you all set to snuggle in with your honey and love the shit out of these holidays? No?! Well, shit, you better call Patti, the Millionaire Matchmaker!!!
Today’s random intro has Patti doing a photo shoot with Elle magazine. Thank God it’s not a Patti-only photo shoot. Rather, she’s working with the magazine on a “Dating Fashion” feature. Some model in a slinky one-shoulder dress is told that her look is great for drinks on the town. Another is wearing fierce leopard-print pumps that I covet (and would never wear once I owned). Patti feels very important, as she was expected to style the models, be in front of the camera herself, and otherwise manage everyone’s life for this little slice of time. Patti, you’re so necessary!!!
Please. Let’s just get down to work.
This week is a stressful week for Patti. See, she hates matching rich women. She’ll tell you that it’s because they’re always picky pains in asses, but we also all know deep down that she’s jealous and territorial and other negative adjectives, right? Right. Well, this week, we’re matching not one but two millionairesses. Suck it!
Destin talks about his first–Sky Nellor, an international DJ and former model. She’s dated many a celebrity in the past (50 Cent, Will.i.am, Adrian Brody), wants to keep her jet-set lifestyle, and blah blah blah. The brief DVD intro tells us that she was born in Australia, is 38, and, as Patti says, “Leads with her boobs.” Yep, they’re there. Sky brags about knowing everyone in the world, implying that she’s really hard to impress. Patti, after bashing her messy hair, gets in a snit about Sky’s jadedness, knowing that Sky will be impossible to match. So, seriously, why is she here, if she’s so fabulous? We all know that this show is a marketing tool for rich tools, but what’s Sky hawking that she needs Patti’s help to sell? Even when Sky says her mother really wants her to settle down and get married and make babies, I made a “pssh” face. That’s not why you go to Patti.
Patti’s pissed at the end of this intro. Not only does Sky have greasy hair and big funbags, but she talked only about herself and didn’t mention even a tiny detail about what she’s looking for in a man. Patti’s pissed that Destin didn’t get this for her on this DVD, and now, UGH, she’ll have to go find out for herself. Wah.
Rachel looks thinner, don’t you think? I guess the Sin Halo weight finally came off.
And boy, does Andrea love those boots.
It’s Rachel’s turn to introduce the other millionairess, which she does in a TERRIBLE New Yawk accent. This one is Stacy Kessler. She won’t tell us her age at first, only saying that she’s “in her forties…and doesn’t look it.” (Pssst. She does.) She’s an actress and model, somehow, in addition to being the mother of four children. The oldest is in college and the youngest is 10. Wow. She yammers on a little more about herself, thinking she’s very awesome. (Pssst. She’s not.) In the end, SHE doesn’t tell us anything about what she wants, either. Patti is pissed off with Destin and Rachel, for bringing two bitches who are so self-absorbed that they’ve given no thought to the men they want to date.
You look like a 40-something tranny, actually.